Between Love and Stupidity

Sometimes and so many times I think being nice to someone who treats us like a trash is not love but stupidity.
People can be so cruel by looking down on you even you have been so good to them.
For example, you pass them and you put your smile to them but they pretend that they didnt know you and looking somewhere instead of giving even a fake smile.

Have you ever had this experience?

Cause I have.

What have I done?
Did I do something bad for them?
But I dont think I have, because I am not close with them. I barely talk to them. I just give my smile for them everytime I see them.
But why?
What is wrong with these people????
Do they think they are almighty and born as queen so that they dont give their smile to anyone who they thought was unworthy?

So, I made it clear to myself. If they can do that to me, so am I.
Why should I try to be a nice friend if they cant. Im not stupid. And then everytime I see them I act like I dont see them. Smiling? Ughhh.. you're kidding me ...

But after I did it, I ask myself. Do I happy?
And I know the answer. No...

I definitely know that Im wrong.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV)

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing...

I did wrong and that is why there is no rejoice at all after that. Sometimes when I feel this, my ego is back and said Im stupid if I let them hurt me.

So yes, its true. Its stupid if you dont fight something that makes you hurt. But the way you fight them will make a difference. Whether you choose to do the same like they did to you perhaps even crueler.

Or you choose to do the act of love. Forgiveness...

For example, just put your smile everytime you see them and try to talk to them even just by saying 'hi'.

Choices is yours..

and mine...

Failed

Yes..
Im failed

I got the notification this afternoon and from the subject of the email I could see I didnt get the chance.

Actually I knew the result already the minute I walked out from the room the day I got interviewed. I sensed all things that came out from my mouth were not god enough to make them sure that Im the one.

I told everyone around me who knew my efforts that it really must be impossible to be accepted. But they always told me about God and His plan and miracle.

I was relieved a little bit. But still not sure...

And here I am. Finally found the result.

Im sad but kinda odd that Im not crying at all about that.

I dont know. Maybe later...

Still I dont know what should I do now. They told me not to giving up. But deep down in me I start to doubt myself honestly. Whether this is actually come from me or Him..

30

so.. here I am...
Today Im finally 30 y.o everyone :)

What's the difference between when I was 10? Or 20?? Its totally different!

Like what??? Im 30?
Cant believe it. How time flies. How many days passed. Im wondering how will my 40th later. wkwk.. But please dont be too fast. Please.

Well..
Ernita...
You've been thru alot, right?
Especially lately. A very very dramatic decision in your life. You could be stay in there. Live comfortably. But you know that you'd be haunted for the rest of your life by your missing dream from a long long time ago.

that its why if you feel so lonely
Please remember how this things will turn into something later. It might be bring tears. It might be not like what you want.

But you know what. You have proven by yourself. That you can challenge yourself. That you can go out of the box. That you wont be feel ashamed to that little girl who chased you day after day.

That little girl must be proud of you by the way...

Because you know what.. that little girl is you... :)

Happiest birthday to you Nit ^^

perfect for ur bday Nit.. Gerberra and the blue sky :)

Finally Goodbye

So... after I counted day by day, finally the day has came.

I remember how amazed I was when I stepped my foot that day. Such a huge school. I saw students everywhere with their checkered uniform. I always wanted to study on that kind of school, and that day I had a chance to be a part of them.

Good thing came and I got accepted. Yeay..

I was so happy. Everyday filled with energy and I always talked about my students to everyone whom I knew. Sometimes I even dreamed about them. i was really proud.

Time flies and the day I was felt that I should out of my comfort zone hit me. So many feeling appeared and I got worried. But heart couldnt lie.
Time to choose and I made mine.

Today is finally goodbye..

I was on my way to school and I looked up the sky through the window and I felt so sad. I thought I could be really cool and tough enough to leave it all behind. But in fact I feel so sad.

Dont get me wrong. Im still relieved that finally I made my choice even though its risky. I just feel so sad when I remember everything behind.

But.. as I walked through the same path, same door, same floor and met familiar people... I decided to take it all to memory and recall it everywhere I go.

Last but not least, thank you. Thank you for making me to be like me now...
I'll treasure every moment with all of you... :)

Finding My Lost Quote

Since I was in the middle school I was so into with quotes. If I read any books *Chicken Soup, Teen Ink, Seven Habit, Purpose of Driven Life, etc.* with touching words I wrote it in my special notes. I really liked to collect small notes and wrote powerful words in there.

Once in awhile, I'll read it and became like a reminder life-is-hard-but-u-can-thru-this thing. Lol

After I grow and grow older *oops* I realized I didnt really like to write any words that I read, saw or heard anymore. I'll let it go just like that. Sometimes I found nice words that make my heart flutters *wink* but I just kept it in my mind.

And tragically now if I heard some of quotes sometimes my heart says boo or jeez or bulls**t :(

I guess older makes me more pathetic :(

Until I found an account in Instagram named @powerofspeech

All the words and pics are so beautiful :) Sometimes hit me right in my heart *wink*. Every morning usually I read the words and Im not trying to be exaggerated, it makes me stronger :))

Here is my fave quote :

have you lost yourself
and wonder where you are
looking for your light
searching among each star

Are you seeking your worth
In the people that you know
Hoping to feel their love
Needing it so you can grow

But when the support turns dry
And their approval runs out
Do you see yourself as less
Consumed by thoughts of doubt

The journey to find yourself
always begins within,
Thats where your true worth is
And where its always been

So practice self-love each day
Be patient and accept
That you're good enough
And are worthy of respect

Its you who matters most
The beliefs in your mind and heart
Honor yourself in that space
Its the very first place to start

Pretty cool right? I read this quote when I feel so lost and find a little bit of strength :) Just a little bit but still gave impact.

You.. yes you! Feel so lost? Find strength in every where around you. Sometimes a little quote from someone that you dont know  at all could be some strength :) Fighting!!!!

Rock Climbing For The First Time

Yesterday on Saturday May 14th, I got my first experience on ROCK CLIMBING!!!
Yeah.. for the first time in my life :D
As a beginner I chose via Ferrata. Its protected route which made from steel. We can secure ourselves to the cable. So I guess its kinda save. Lol.

By the way, I did my climbing in Purwakarta. And the mountain is Gunung Parang.

Gunung Parang is an andasite mount with 900 metres. But I only climbed about 300 metres and it was totally enough and exhausting.

Protected with our kit and guide we climbed the mountain one by one. First impression, GREAT! I imagined it would be creepy. Lol. But when the guide told us how to use our kit and how to climb, I was relieved.

At first it was scaring to see from above but the more I climbed the more I was confident enough to see. And it was okay. As long I listened to the guide and follow his instruction I totally enjoyed to go higher :)

Sometimes the path was not straight and made us scared but with slowly move, we can through this path well. Oh I could feel strong wind here by the way. I remember I held the ferrata strongly here.

And there was a time I could take a rest and saw this wonderful view. What I felt at the time.. I was so small. I definitely so small in this world. Lol.

and finally we were on about 300 metres. It took about 1,5 hours to be here.

And after we took some rest we went down again in the same path which was more interesting. It felt faster than before and got easier. Good thing was the weather too. After we finished the climb suddenly rain was pouring and we were drenched. But we did it :) Yeahhh

I was so happy. Because I have a new experience again. So thankful. Like I said before. I feel so small. So small even from 300 m above. Im wondering what was I look like from 900 m or higher.

If there is  any chance again I'll definitely want to try this climbing again. My  friend said there is another rock climbing without ferrata which is must be more thrilling. Well.. kinda creepy for me. But who knows, right?

New Challenge

Aha.. hello.. hi.. annyeong.. Its reallyyyyyy been awhile, right? Havent posted anything on my blog.

So where am I?
what did happen lately?

well well Im still here. Same place, same spot. But yeah so many thing has changed. The biggest thing is my job. Im already resigned...

Yes. After so many conflicts on my head and war in my heart I decided to give my resignation letter. Nobody knew except my parents. So there were tears, questions and begs.

What I've learnt that day is how crazy I am. Yes..

I have plans of course. But other side of my heart told me 'are you really sure about this??'. Because seeing from that side I was quite safe and sound there. Seven years is not a short period to build and stand like today.

So why did I do that?

The answer is another side of my heart. A heart that can not be lied. A heart that shout out to go and facing new challenge. That road might be and must be hard but at least I know what's in there. I can not stay in here forever. Its what I feel long long time ago.

Does this make things get easier? Not at all. Its still war inside me. But I dont know there's always a comfort feeling. Not to worry but put my trust instead.

Anyway lets fight and have some faith :)

pic taken from here